if youre reading this, please dont get offended or hurt by it, it is genuinely how i feel and what i think without any filters or making sure i dont hurt you by what i say.
i feel completely lost. i cant get myself to believe that our relationship is real. it makes complete sense for you to get along with me for your trauma seeking because when we met, i was desperate and alone. i broke up a pretty toxic relationship the same day that we went for the coffee, after which we got very close very fast. and when i look back, it makes absolute sense that you would try to get me to hurt you, you made yourself vulnerable to me pretty quickly and if i was a hurtful person, something could have actually happened. after nothing happened, you tried to get me to hurt you twice, once failing because david declined and once because you changed your mind. i genuinely pray and hope that our relationship isnt like this anymore, although when you said that you were letting me have sex with you even though you werent turned on for half a year, i still somewhat doubt it, because you still got what you wanted at the end.
i also realized something else. i gaslit myself into believing that i cannot get hurt. i dont know when but it was far before our relationship. and now when i think about it, there are many things that actually hurt me. every single time you tell me you want a break, it genuinely hurts. a huge amount. you saying that youd prefer to give up the relationship for some undefined amount of time instead of trying to talk it out and figure out what we need to change about ourselves just makes me feel like a failure, since if youd have your break, youd be alone, and if that is better, than logically, im the problem.
every single time you prioritize an ex over me hurts too. its a tiny petty thing, i know, but its just weird. like, when i check my phone, your message is the first one i read, but when i was feeling down in zim and i texted you, i was checking insta, and i genuinely saw you reading syds messages whilst leaving me on delivered. it just felt like i didnt matter as much to you anymore.
and that's another good point. since summer break started, i dont feel like a priority to you anymore. i still prioritize you over anyone, like id generally choose to spend time with you over anyone, but i feel like you dont. i feel like im just... a given. someone that you know will always be there, so why bother, hes gonna be there anyways, right?
i havent been reassured by you in months. yesterday, i had to force it out of you because in that moment, i truly believed that you faked the entire relationship. if you in that moment admitted that you did instead of reassuring me, i would actually break up with you, because i wouldnt be able to live in a lie.
i dont see you the same as i used to. i used to see you as a person who truly meant only the best for me, supporting me in everything i do, etc. but after you told me about your trauma seeking and your two attempts at getting me to hurt you, i dont see you that way anymore. it will probably come back, but not for some time.
as for myself, i do feel pretty fucking broken and stressed, i realized that this week is the last week of break and that next week the sisyphus stone rolling begins so.. yeah im not feeling that good from that too, but i think i took the hardest hit from our convo on sunday..