i was waiting for when youd find the only way youd be able to contact me.
you fucked up badly the first time. however, i still loved you, even over the things ive learned on sunday.
however, learning that you cheated on me during the only time i was away for a longer time period (not counting erasmus) was something that made me sure i dont want you back.
i gave you a second chance. you blew it even harder.
the two emails i sent you were the last things i felt. i was still coming to terms with what ive heard from david, but after that, i realized that i dont want to have you in my life anymore. ever.
because you couldnt keep one of the most core things in a relationship. loyalty.
trust me, you still cross my mind. but the memories are just.. _there._ theyre nice to look at, i still look very fondly at our moments together (especially the hangout with your dads friends where you sang, god that memory hurts) but they dont pull me back into that yearning for you which i had right after the breakup.
why? because, and i finally do mean this, you showed me who you truly are.
i had dreams of us growing old together, but that was because i only saw you as someone amazing with a bad past.
i knew that you had problems, but i didnt think that youd be someone who would direct their tendencies at me.
i genuinely believed that because i treated you well, that i gave you almost all of my free time, that i bought you little things, took you out for dinner, helped you with school, even helped with negotiating with your mom - that it would make a difference.
i thought that being careful during sex, asking you multiple times if you feel like it, would make a difference.
but i was naive. and it didnt.
and you still did the same thing to me too.
a tiny part of me still wants you back. its almost gone, but its still there.
however, after what happened with david texting me, i know that i will never let that part make decisions ever again.
because you showed me that even over a single week, you are completely fine with hurting me again.
and you saying that you still look for me and that you still think about me, wont change your actions.
i saw you last week tuesday. talking to kash. i got hit by a nasty anxiety attack from it. i saw only a glimpse of you, and yet it hurt.
but, so is life.
i dont understand why you are still seeking me out. i wholeheartedly do not believe you love me, because if you did, you wouldnt hurt me again.
is this another way for you to squeeze out something out of me for one last time? i dont know.
feel free to respond, but im not sure if youll get what you want.